CommentsEvery one of those was on my mind! I actually started with the last line and built on it.
Any thoughts on how I can better it! Thank you for taking the time to critique it! I think it's a little too abstract. If you read the examples I gave from Basho, Issa, etc. - they're definitely starting with something people feel commonly. "Breeze caresses" is pretty good, but it comes late in the poem.
For what your poem is, it's really good. And your writing will only get better. |
I do think you convey the idea of desiring a genuine, healthy sensuality well. And you convey where the loneliness can come from in human relations almost exactly. I'd like to believe human relationships don't involve partners dominating the other. Unfortunately, I know actual couples. It seems a perfect reconciliation between pleasure and the good has to be had through a benevolent Nature. Whether that is possible or desirable is a question for another day.
Solid work, good thoughts. Keep it up.