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:iconakarra: More from akarra


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Submitted on
January 6, 2013
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fell head
first from clouds
plummeting
landing
in gentle arms
of a tree
as motion stopped
a willow branch
hit my face
the tears were
wiped clean
~vildrosor wrote a wonderful poem in "two," and I thought I'd write what I call a "paraphrase." My poem and hers are distinctly different: check out her original - [link]

If you have poems you'd like me to try playing around with, send them my way. I typically like shorter lyric poems.
:iconthenaughticallife:
Critique by TheNAUGHTicalLife Jan 6, 2013, 10:21:50 PM
I enjoyed the initial few lines that brought me into a helpless feeling of dread. It seemed you were aiming for a loss of control that stuck and I did appreciate the breaking in the beginning.

As the poem went on it seemed you lost the drive you had in the beginning. The conflicting imagery of a soft landing was marred by the unseeming reference to sorrow in the tears.

I think I can see what you went for, and I like it. Some of the imagery and metaphor (at the end) didn't bring the piece home the way I'd hoped it would. I think if you revisit this poem a few times and bang it out you'll have a solid poem.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconohio-writer:
Critique by ohio-writer Jan 9, 2013, 3:11:52 AM
One point I want to highlight is how the piece is able to show the action of falling, of course further than actually saying it explicitly, with the line structure. The speed of the piece shows how the fall is happening, and careful readers will notice that the speed of the breaks helps to initiate the action. My argument in this case though is that perhaps the stoppage is not quite as abrupt.

My take would be to show the stop either through a longer line at the point of impact, or create a stanza break there to make that point ever more clear. This piece could do wonders with subsequent revisions, and in that light I suggest also looking at the part about the willow tree. The action has two looks to it: one implies a striking force, the other shows a gentle wipe of teary eyes. Finding a good mix that is not as extreme as these two representations will enlighten this end section even more.

Overall I really appreciate the form of this piece and all it aims to do. With a little tweaking I feel the piece has an even more valuable message and scene to share with its readers. An intriguing piece nonetheless.
What do you think?
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:icontrenomas:
Trenomas Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013
Brevity is the soul of wit.
And condensation is the soul of poetry.

Here something to mess with. Make with it as or if you will. I wrote this with an idea, but i feel it soesn't connect well between stanzas. What would you do with it?
[link]
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:iconcandrarose:
CandraRose Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
I can't decide which one I like better yours or hers :D they are both do brilliant in their own way great job with this as always it a pleasure to read your work :)
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:iconvildrosor:
vildrosor Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2013  Student Writer
i very much like it. they're very similar, and yet, by paraphrasing, you've incited a different sort of atmosphere, of emotional response. brilliant.
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